(D) Psychologist – Politician

Psychologist – Politician

Many lawyers seem to be a combination of both psychologist and politician.
You have to be able to read people and understand their needs (as a psychologist does), and then sell them on what you want to sell them (like a politician).
It has been said that there is no greater salesman than a lawyer — with some of the stories they sell to juries.

Image result for juries


I Saw A Psychologist Once
(I call them ‘shrinks’)

I got depressed after I’d been in law 15 years, and went to see this shrink.

He asked me about my family. I told him my brother Tim and I used to hate each other, and lined up cereal boxes on the table between us at breakfast so we wouldn’t have to look at each other. (Tim and I were quite close when we grew up, although he died of a heart attack in 2002).

Then he asked me, when I was a kid, what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I told him first I wanted to be a cowboy and ride the range. Then I wanted to be a fireman and ride in a big fire truck. Then I wanted to be a policeman and carry an gun and have authority.

Then I told him I wanted to be a crook. He said, “Congratulations.”

Boy, did I get even with him! I saw him at a social event a few days later and he was complaining that everyone was asking him for his opinion and advice on personal problems. He asked if he could send them a bill for consultation services. I simply said yes.

The next day I sent him a bill for $50 consultation fee.

What I’ve learned about psychologists and shrinks is that most of the time they can give you their undivided attention— without hearing a word you’re saying. Maybe that’s what it means to be a ‘shrink.’

If I were in that profession I’d rather be a ‘stretch.’

I hadn’t told the shrink I’d also wanted to go into politics. But I’d heard politicians didn’t have any better reputations than lawyers. Perhaps that’s because most politicians are lawyers.

Psychologist – Politician
A World of Lawyer Politicans

In politics, everything is more complicated than it is in law. I believe this is because politicians are such a cerebral group.

A humorist has said they have so much common sense —
because they never use any of it.

Most politicians can’t even figure out how America got founded in the first place — without federal matching funds. And most of them don’t know economics any better than we lawyers do.

Lawyers believe in the redistribution of wealth
by means of litigation
but politicians believe in the redistribution of wealth
by means of legislation.

I saw a poll the other day that was talking about the American public’s view and opinion of all the legislation we have today (like the Supreme Court judge who said we now have over 10,000,000 laws to enforce the 10 commandments). Public opinion was not real high, and the article about the poll described the public’s opinion with the following cartoon, which I found really funny.


I love Sir Winston Churchill. Sir Winston didn’t like politicians any more than he did lawyers. He was once asked to define what a politician was. He said,

“A politician is a person who must be able to explain,
with unerring accuracy,
the future course of world events.

And then must be able to also explain
to the general public
why they did not come to pass.”

With all the preaching and theories and fantasies about the end times today, I think it might also apply to this. What do you think? We’ve had at least 10 MAJOR end times theories the past 10-20 years, and many more MINOR ones.

Psychologist – Politician

I believe a politician’s understanding of economics is worse than that of lawyers.

Two congressmen were talking one day, and one was saying, “How much did we just appropriate on that last bill — was it three million  dollars, or three billion  dollars?”

The other very nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Whatever.”

In case you struggle understanding $1 million vs. $1 billion, here it is
(and this is not a joke. I’m serious!)

If I give you $1 per second, every second of the day,
night and day, never stopping to eat or sleep,
it will take me 11 DAYS to give you 1 MILLION dollars.

But if I gave you $1 at the same rate — one per second,
night and day, never stopping to eat or sleep —
it would take me 34 YEARS to give you 1 BILLION dollars.

I think that’s significant. I think you do too.

One reason I never went into politics
is because I don’t know which is worse:

pre-election oratory,
or post-election analysis.

I heard a great way to cut down on the former is to make any potential candidate only talk about their accomplishments, not about their promises. Have you ever wondered, like me, where all the solutions go once the politician gets elected?

The folk group Peter Paul & Mary said they should be forced to SING to the American people because in song we get into deeper levels.

They sing:
“Music speaks louder than words.
It’s the only thing the whole world listens to.
When you sing, people understand.”


Bob Hope (God rest his soul) said he wouldn’t run for President, even if urged to. But his reason for not becoming involved was different from mine: his wife wasn’t willing to move to a smaller house.


Serving as President, or even Vice President (God forbid), is available to each of us who is a natural American. I guess there is still some question about where Barack Obama was born.

But for most of us it’s just one of the risks we have to take living in this nation.

I hear that many of our politicians have nightmares at night. They sooner or later start dreaming that all the money they are spending is theirs.

Plus, if you fall from grace in politics, you just might get appointed as an ambassador — to the Bermuda Triangle.

What Did I Really Want To Do With My Life?

I remember seeing a sign on a lawyer’s wall one day. It said,

“I don’t remember what I wanted to do when I grew up,
but I don’t think this was it.”

I can relate. As a humorist, I feel that law is just one ad-lib after another, although no one is laughing.

A lawyer came back from giving a luncheon speech and his secretary asked him how it had gone. He said, “Terrible! I lost my sheet of ad libs.”

I can relate to that. Often times it seems like we lawyers are on stage performing for an audience of jurors who refuse to laugh.

About my speaking career:
I can really relate to this in a personal way (and this is a true story).
I’ve always been a fairly good public speaker.
I’ve always mixed motivation with humor, and people like it.

Later in doing this, I mixed it with music: guitar and vocal.
The speech was entitled: Prime the Pump,
and it was a mixture of motivation, humor, and two songs,
one at the beginning, and one at the close.

It was very well received at breakfasts and dinners.
Many times I got standing ovations.
BUT…  it seemed luncheon folk had too much on their minds
from work for this, and wanted more of an informational talk.
So that was easy to assess, I just stopped doing luncheons.

Then Scott, a speaker-friend of mine, who was a total humorist,
and a very good one: www.scottfriedman.net,
said I should just try my hand at humor-only.

I tried it and bombed like crazy. Some people even walked out.
My mouth got so dry speaking I could hardly form my words.
I just wasn’t a humorist, in the PURE sense of the word.

I even introduced Scott at a meeting one day, and got nervous and
totally bombed that too. I was just so on-edge because of this experience,
it took me 6 months to totally get over it.

So, the moral is: don’t try to do what you ain’t called to do.
I wish I could say this was a joke.

Speaking of Secretaries Again

Speaking of legal secretaries again, most secretaries will tell you that most lawyers are terrible bosses.

I was at a luncheon one day and heard two secretaries talking about their lawyer bosses. One said, “My boss is so narrow-minded he can see through a keyhole with both eyes.”

The other remarked, “There is nothing wrong with my boss that trying to reason with him won’t aggravate.”

One devoted secretary wrote a song to her boss:
“How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”

It’s true lawyers have the gift of gab. Their mouth has one position: open.

If you think talk is cheap, just hire a lawyer. We’re trained to admit nothing, deny everything, and talk by the hour.

There is a sign that is very appropriate:

Blessed is the lawyer who has nothing to say,
and can’t be persuaded to say it.
(Finding a lawyer with nothing to say is the trick)


Psychologist – Politician
Lawyers Can Be Different

Part of the problem of most lawyers is that they don’t know how to forgive. This is especially true of clients who don’t pay their bills.

The word ‘forgiveness’ is not in a lawyer’s vocabulary. I recall hearing of one lawyer who got even with his client who wouldn’t pay his bill. He ran an advertisement in the classified section on the internet with his client’s first name and phone number. It read, “Lonely man needs companionship. Call between midnight and 6:00 A.M.”

Lawyers Are Forced to be Cautious

We lawyers must be cautious with everything we say or do. Some people are just waiting to be offended. With malpractice insurance rates so high, and with sue-happy people with itchy trigger fingers, we lawyers have to be careful in everything we do or say.

We have to be careful with our kids too.

You can always tell lawyers’ kids. They’re usually just different. Kids pick up everything from their parents, right? If you really want to know what someone is like, just look at their kids.

Well, there was this tax lawyer who was telling his child the story of Cinderella.

When he finished, the wide-eyed lad asked his dad: “When the pumpkin turns into a beautiful coach, — is that straight income or capital gain?”


We lawyers are over-cautious to a fault, but society has made us this way. Perhaps our society has been carved out by lawyers, I don’t know.

But I remember when my dad and mom would get into a fight, my dad would just go out and get drunk.

Today it’s not that simple.

Today, if you have a fight, you’d first better do the following things:
— check with your lawyer,
— see your psychologist,
— call your marriage counselor,
— consult your accountant
———– before you go out and get drunk.

We live in an increasingly complex society.

Do We Live In A Justice Society Today?

What has happened to our justice system?

Bobby Kennedy, over 50 years ago, said we no longer had a justice system, but just a legal system of red tape.

How much more is that true today?


I recall reading in Psychology Today Magazine that we are so messed up today that anything helps. It takes about 9 million sleeping tablets to put America to sleep at night, and we take 2-1/2 tons of aspirin each day.

And I’ll bet that doesn’t count the two I took.

Sometimes lawyers, who see things more from the inside, get so down and out about our litigious society that they’ll find any excuse to stay home sick.

A lawyer I knew stayed home sick: he discovered his colon wasn’t straight.


The problem is that we live in such complex times. As I said, the law was relatively easy until sometime after the mid-80s. Then it just spiraled upward out of control like a rocket taking off.

One article said that people could learn
from their mistakes more
if they weren’t so busy repeating them.

A client of mine taught me a lesson early-on. And talk about repeating mistakes, I had a client come in for his third divorce from his third wife, all in only 7 years. When I tried to talk to him about what might be causing his problems in his marriages, his response was:

“Himes, I want a divorce, not a lecture.”

Some people are so enthusiastic about what they’re doing that they throw all caution and common sense to the wind.

I had a wealthy 75-year-old client who was bent on marrying a 27-year-old woman. He was so enthusiastic he was insisting on buying a 5 bedroom house near an elementary school.

I guess he hadn’t heard that the number one cause of heart attacks in men over 60 — was women under 30.

We must find justice within ourselves if we are going to find justice at all. I realized there was no justice left today when I was in court and a judge said,


“Having heard the facts, the arguments of counsel,
and having reviewed all the evidence,
I’m now ready to enter a judgment
based upon my original prejudices.”


Our lack of a justice system contributes to older lawyers developing inferiority complexes, but unfortunately they are not very good ones.

But we have to look at the positives, right? — look for wheat, and not for weeds.

At least we lawyers are not like psychologists who look at all the other men when a beautiful woman enters the room.

At least law is better than medicine in many ways. Doctors will do a proctoscopic examination with their finger for about $750.

I wouldn’t do one for $25,000.

A Date With the Undertaker

At least we lawyers are not like undertakers. Each and every one us has something in common — both you and me.

This is a last date with one of these dudes.

Talk about a sure sale! ! ! ! !

You can’t even object.

Let me ask you: Is this justice? Is this fair?

That’s why I’ve created a website that isn’t humorous at all:

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