(A) Lawyer Jokes – Law Humor

99-of-lawyers...-funny-fridge-magnet-ck--2396-p[1]

BEFORE WE BEGIN…
HERE’S A VERY SHORT COMMERCIAL…

This is my Constitution Lawyer Coach site:
http://www.ConstitutionLawyerCoach.com

I also have some gospel, spiritual, Bible sites.
If you have a spiritual mind about you,
then you will like my general site:
http://www.TheGospelCoach.com

It will direct you to other more specialized gospel sites on…
(1) 5-6 minute gospel coaching videos on God’s love, forgiveness, etc.
(2) End Times vs. The Cross (end times isn’t always what we’re told it is)
(3) God of Death – Heaven Is Real

You can also find my personal writings and musings here:

http://www.Twitter.com/TheGospelCoach
http://www.Facebook.com/Roger.Himes.71
—- or my business page: https://www.Facebook.com/RogerHimesCoach
http://www.YouTube.com/RogerHimesTheCoach
http://www.Pinterest.com/RogerHimesCoach

Me large

+   +   +   +   +   +   +

 

NOW, LET’S GET DOWN TO THE
SERIOUS BUSINESS OF HUMOR!

Despite what is thought, ‘J.D.’ after my name means juris doctor, and not juvenile delinquent. It is true that most of us lawyers are educated beyond our intellects, but this does not necessarily mean we’re smart.

In fact, some of us might behave somewhat like we are juvenile delinquents in some way or other,… in the way that we try to get our way in everything, whether we are right or wrong.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always loved lawyer jokes. For example:

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?
— Answer: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny.
Other people think the jokes are serious, and not jokes.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
— Answer: when his mouth is moving.

What do you have if three lawyers
are buried up to their necks in sand?

— Answer: not enough sand.

If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
— Answer: changing lawyers is like
moving to a new deck chair on the Titanic.

What do you call a retired lawyer?
— Answer: Your Honor.

What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
— Answer: Senator. 

+  +  +  +  +

Personally Speaking . . . about
Lawyer Jokes – Law Humor
(introducing myself as a lawyer)

For 25 years I was what John Grisham might call ‘a street lawyer.’ I began my practice of law in 1971, at a time when the law was still relatively easy (this lasted until sometime around 1986, when everything became complicated beyond imagination).

I built my law practice in a unique way: singing in nightclubs at night (and passing out business cards). What better place to meet people who need an attorney? The picture on the left is not me…  the one on the right is me about 7-8 years ago.

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News thought a lawyer performing in bars was newsworthy. They did articles about be: “The Singing Attorney,” and “The Court Jester.” These were positive, human interest articles giving me fantastic free publicity.

Me guitar Lighter

At times, a lot of my audience consisted of other lawyers and judges, as well as FBI agents and other federal employees. I also had both the staffs of the Denver, Colorado District Attorneys office (then Dale Tooley) and the Public Defender’s Office (then Rollie Rogers) show up to listen to me sing and play the guitar.

playing-guitar-guitar-53166825960_xlarge[1]

Both Dale and Rollie also offered me jobs that I didn’t take.
I just wanted to go into the solo practice of law.
Besides, I couldn’t live on what they wanted to pay me.
I knew I could do better on my own… and I did.

Also, I also performed with John Denver in his ‘B.C.’ days (before he was a celebrity). This was when I was in college.

John was an amazing guy. He became a model for me my entire life. He was always so upbeat, and positive and responsive and approachable. He made everyone he met feel like the most important person in the world to him. The first time I met him he made me feel like he had waiting for weeks — just to meet me.

0[2] (2)

I MADE A TOTAL CHANGE! In 1999, after getting burned out in law and taking a very early retirement, I became a western U.S. coach tour guide for a popular international tour company. I did this for 8 summers, until 2006. My territory was from South Dakota to California and from Montana to Arizona.

Today I just trade stock options, have a few sites on the internet as “The Gospel Coach,” and do some easy legal things I do at home on my computer (wills, business formations, simple trusts, and the such).

Roger Himes, J.D., Lawyer

 

 


AN IRREVERENT LOOK AT LAWYERS,
LAWS, JUSTICE AND JUDGES

Lawyer Jokes – Law Humor

(You know who lawyers are: they are people
who will spend
your last cent to prove that they’re right,
and then they’re wrong half the time)

LAWYERS ARE ‘LEGAL EAGLES’… OR ELSE ‘BEAGLES’

In Hamlet, Shakespeare says, “The first order of business is to kill all the lawyers.” God forbid! Pogo, our cartoon philosopher friend gave an alternative: “Let’s just shorten their legal pads.” This sounds a lot better to me, doesn’t it to you?

pogo-possum-artist-page[2]

My purpose in this writing is to give you greater fondness for lawyers (or perhaps just tolerance).

Remember that lawyers are people too. Well, at least most of them,… and at least most of the time.

Lawyers are called ’legal eagles’ (or is that beagles?)

We lawyers are the legal eagles of society.

We are the custodians of liberty.

We are the protectors of the people.

We are the stalwarts of justice.

We are the upholders of the Constitution.

And if you really believe this,
then I also have some oceanfront property
right here in Colorado to sell you too.

I feed myself on this type of stuff because it’s hard for most of us lawyers to stay motivated. This is because we’re always suing someone. We are known as the most enthusiastically negative people in the world. But it’s not without cause.

In defense of lawyers (most of whom need a lot of defense), do you have any idea how difficult it is to stay motivated or ‘up’ when you have to face one negative person or situation after another all day? Law offices are negative places because they consist of lawyers.

Lawyers’ secretaries… are often down in the dumps because of their bosses. How would you feel if you were a legal secretary and you were ready to leave work for the day. You pop your head into your bosses’ office saying, “Hey, boss, have a nice day!” He snarls back: “Don’t tell me what to do!” This is how it is in some offices.

LAWYERS ARE ALWAYS FIGHTING SOMEONE

Lawyers seem to have to fight with everyone — even judges, some of whom think they’re God. They always fight with other lawyers too.

They have to fight with their clients to collect their fees — especially if they lose! What a life.

This is why lawyers often collect fees up front.

It is said: practicing law is lot like prostitution.
In both cases, the value of services rendered greatly declines
once those services have been performed.

After tough days at the office, then lawyers spend their nights worried about the next day’s battles. And you thought being a lawyer was just a lot of fun and games, right? We lawyers are also accused of sending people mixed messages:

It’s just that the law is so complicated today. It isn’t easy like when I started out. I just stayed away from certain things like water law, tax, oil and gas, etc. But most things weren’t difficult. Today they sure are. Plus, we lawyers are trained to help make things more complicated. After all, you can charge more money if things aren’t easy.

This reminds me of the client who was listening to his lawyer say:

“I don’t believe I’ve succeeded in answering all of your questions.
Indeed, I feel as though I have not answered any of them totally.
The answers I’ve found only serve to raise a new set of questions,
which only lead to more problems.
And some of these we weren’t even aware were problems
when you came in.

To sum up, in some ways I feel as though we are
as confused as ever. But I feel we are confused on a higher level,
and about more important things.”

Funny-Lawyers-picture-2013[1]

Perhaps this is where some lawyer jokes are born, like the rhetorical question about the lawyer and the skunk: “How do you tell the difference between a dead lawyer and a dead skunk in the road?” The answer is there are skid marks in front of the skunk.

A client of mine called and he was laughing hysterically. He said, “What do you call 500 lawyers with leg-weights on at the bottom of the ocean?” I told him I didn’t know. He replied, “A start.”

And to think I even won his case for him too.

LAWYERS INSTEAD OF WHITE RATS?

I read where they are going to start using lawyers, instead of white rats, for certain biological experiments. They claim there are three reasons for this.

FIRST, there are more of us.
SECOND, it is said folks aren’t as attached to us.
THIRD, the article claimed there are even some things white rats won’t do.

Newspapers don’t say nice things about us lawyers. They always seem to run negative articles:

“DIVORCE LAWYERS: A Glimpse Under the Rock.”
“LAWYERS: Protectors of the People, or Parasites?”

With articles like this, how do they expect us lawyers to stay ahead of the game? (What we call a game, some people call a racket).

They even talk about lawyers in songs. I remember a popular song by Jackson Brown from the 70s: “The Mating Cry of Lawyers in Love.”  The first time that I heard it I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I even called the station to make sure what I was hearing was correct.
It was!!!

But then, at least country music talks about everything with songs like:

The Shades of Night Were Falling Fast,
but I Got A Pretty Good Look Anyhow

I Called You Up to Tell You
I Don’t Know What To Say

Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth
I’m Kissing You Goodbye

YES, I DID BECOME A LAWYER

Yes, I am a lawyer, but I hope you won’t hold this against me. I’m just a product of legal brainwashing and conditioning.

I actually wanted to go to psychology. After my undergraduate work in college in both business and psychology, I wanted to go to psychology graduate school. But I was in Texas, and the only two schools I was accepted at were in places that were really cold.

I’d heard about all the money psychologists make on Monday mornings — from folks who watched football games on the weekend. It was claimed that every time the teams went into a huddle, thousands of people thought they were talking about them.

Then I also heard that psychologists have plenty to do just trying to cure each others’ neurosis and phobias and sociopathic conditions.

So I wound up going to law school instead.

PSYCHIATRISTS VS. PSYCHOLOGISTS

I used to wonder what the difference was between a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Then as a lawyer I discovered this difference:  a psychiatrist drives you crazy, and the psychologist tests you to find out how far.

Also, because I’m a spiritual person, and ‘The Gospel Coach,’ I also thought I wanted to be a pastor. I even tried it for a spell, and was the pastor of a Vineyard Christian Fellowship for a couple of years, even while I was working as a lawyer full time. I discovered this wasn’t my thing.

Someone has observed that lawyers and the clergy are very much the same:

“It is uncertain whether the doctors of LAW,
or the doctors of DIVINITY,
have made the greatest strides
in the lucrative business of MYSTERY.”

Lawyers have long been accused of being the only people in the world who can turn black and white into grey. But I’ll have you know that painters can do the exact same thing.

I overheard someone saying he didn’t mind lawyers all that much. But he added he just didn’t want any moving into his neighborhood.

He said he didn’t want his kids going to school with a lawyer’s kids.

I began discovering I didn’t have many lawyer friends. In fact, at one time I only had two lawyer friends.
—- One was a criminal lawyer and he was in jail.
—- The other was in the hospital. He’d gotten backed over by an ambulance.

.Cartoon Ambulance

I TOOK SOME VOCATIONAL GUIDANCE TESTS

One day something happened to make me realize why I didn’t really enjoy being a lawyer much, after the law got real complicated, and why I didn’t fit the mold of lawyers. I represented a man who was in a vocational guidance firm, and he offered to give me a set of tests for free.

The word ‘free’ always gets a lawyer’s attention.

Anyway, he gave me the tests and came back exclaiming, “Himes, how in the world did you ever become a lawyer? You don’t have any personality characteristics of a lawyer.”

Super%20Lawyer[1]

He explained that this means having a dominant hostile personality. The picture he painted of this is a person was one of…
having his eyes closed,

his legs crossed,

his arms swinging,

and his mouth open.

It’s not a very pretty picture I realize.

REASON VS. LOGIC

Some people become confused with the difference between legal reasoning and logic. The fact is we lawyers are not trained in logic. Think about it! Have you ever met a logical lawyer?

It’s often an insult to lawyers to consider them logical. We lawyers are instead trained in legal reasoning, which has no similarity to logic. For instance, lawyers often think: “Maybe I can get $5,000 if I sue for $5,000,000.” That’s legal reasoning.

Also, we are taught that for every 50 words there should be at least one loophole. And of course two escape clauses (all of which we can charge higher fees for). Here’s an example of legal reasoning . . .

A defense lawyer was defending his client charged with murder. It was a very serious case, and the prosecutor had just finished making his opening statement to the jury, accusing the defendant of murdering his wife, and cutting up her body to dispose of it. The defense lawyer, after listening to the prosecutor’s statement said:

+

“Ladies and Gentlemen: you just heard the prosecutor’s opening statement.
He has painted a picture of my client that is terrible. He has accused him of murdering his wife, and cutting her body up into pieces and putting them into suitcases.

He claims my client was in the process of transporting her remains over the border into Mexico, to dispose of them, when he was apprehended by an alert border guard who happened to see one of the deceased’s fingers sticking out of one of the suitcases.

“The prosecutor claims that my client is a deranged man;
that he is unfit to live.
He claims that he is on the level of a Charles Manson,
and he wants my client executed.

I don’t happen to see him this way.
But I will admit he may be a sloppy packer.”

+

This is an example of reasoning — lawyer style. But it’s a far cry from logic, wouldn’t you agree?

Law school has a way of bending the mind, and enlarging thoughts and capitalizing on events like nothing else I’ve ever seen. It has a way of ‘creating options’ — even in situations where there are no options.

GIVING AN ENEMA TO A DEAD MAN

I’ve heard it said that legal reasoning is like ‘giving an enema to a dead man.’ I’m sure you wonder what this means. Well, there was this stage play in New York City and one of the leading men dropped over dead on the stage right in the middle of the play. It was pretty traumatic, and people were very upset.

From the balcony, a lady started shouting:
“Give him an enema! Give him an enema!”

People on stage were trying to help the man, and tried to ignore her, but she kept shouting: “Give him an enema!”

Exasperated, a man called back: “Lady, an enema won’t do any good. The man is already dead.”

The lady shouted back, “Well, it sure won’t hurt!”

This is the legal reasoning we’re taught: stretch the imagination — create options — expand thinking. “If it won’t hurt, try it!” — “Be willing to spend your client’s last cent to prove you’re right.” Of course, knowing very well you may be proven wrong!

Go to ‘B’ of lawyer jokes: Lawyers, the IRS and Economics

Comments are closed.